Last Name  

Agreement

A Simple Solution  Scott Long, Cary, NC

My wife and I were standing in line waiting to get a table at a local restaurant. I saw a little boy waiting with his daddy. I said hello to him and asked him how old he was. "Six." he said. "Wow. That is great." I replied. Then, wanting to have a little fun with him I said, "I wish I knew how old I was." This clearly surprised him and he peered at me with a really funny look on his face. "What?" he said. "I don't know how old I am," I replied. "I guess I just forgot." He let out a sigh and, without missing a beat, he very matter-of-factly said, "Just wait till your next birthday and count the candles."

Can't Get Enough Abigail Robinson, Gonzales, LA

This Christmas my mom and I were in the LifeWay bookstore and I showed her your Bananas DVD and she kinda looked at it and said I could get it. Well, a couple weeks later she saw me watching the DVD and got upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she had forgotten that she had let me get it and had bought me the same thing for Christmas! Thankfully my mom isn't really big on that kind of stuff and it turned out she had purchased a different Jeff Allen Bananas DVD, so now we have two DVDs full of your wonderful comedy!

A Time for Manners Donna Pounds, Midland, TX

When my son, Cody, was five-years-old, we were visiting my uncle, his wife (Aunt Sharon), and their four-year-old daughter, Rebecca. Aunt Sharon and I were talking when suddenly Rebecca came running in the room yelling, "Mommy! Mommy!" Aunt Sharon said, "Rebecca, remember we've been talking about manners? You are interrupting, and that's not good manners." Then we finished our conversation. All the while we were talking, Rebecca was silent but anxiously shifting her weight from foot to foot. At last, Aunt Sharon turned to Rebecca and said "All right, Rebecca, it's your turn now... what did you want to say?" Rebecca started jumping up and down and excitedly blurted out "Mommy! Mommy! The television fell on top of Cody!" He was fine, and my aunt and I laughed until we cried! And of course, she taught Rebecca about exceptions to the rules!

Crossfooted  Jaysen Martin, Davenport, IA

My daughter had an enormous problem when she was 4 to 5 years old. No matter how many times I tried to teach her what shoe went on which foot, should would put the left shoe on the right foot and vice versa. I tried and tried to get her to get them the right way - I mean you would think that by sheer random chance she would get it right 50% of the time, but she never had the right one on the right foot (no pun intended). Finally, one day I was frustrated about it and I told her that I couldn't believe that she could never get this right and that next time she should just cross her legs before she put her shoes on. The next morning I was totally surprised when she ran down the stairs yelling "Daddy, daddy, look! It worked!!" Yes, they were on the correct feet and have been ever since. She is now 16. I can only assume she is still crossing her legs.

Wild Wild Westcicle   Elizabeth Wallen, Loretto, PA

When my son, Davy, was three years old, one of his favorite movies was John Wayne's Rio Bravo. One day when I was making dinner, Davy came out to ask if he might have a popsicle. I told him no, he could not. A few minutes later he came back into the kitchen and told me to call him Dude (a character from Rio Bravo).
 

I said, "Oh, hello Dude. When did you get here?"
 

"I am just passing through. Can I have a popsicle?"
 

"I just told you that you could not have one."
 

"You told Davy he couldn't have one. I am Dude!"

Just a Request  Cynthia Bernsdorf, Nazareth, PA

When my son was seven-years-old, we hired a babysitter to go out. We returned home to find the children still awake but in their rooms. They were supposed to be going to sleep but since they weren't, they were simply told by the sitter to stay in their rooms. His room was at the top of the stairs. When he heard us downstairs, he quickly went to work. Knowing that he wasn't allowed out of his room, he wrote us a note, folded it into a paper airplane, and sailed it down to us. Landing at our feet, we opened it to read his simple request..."Dear Mom and Dad, Can I pop some popcorn without the lid on or explode a potato in the microwave?"

If I Only Didn't Have a ...  Stephanie, Bel Air, MD
I'm a mother of three, two older sons and a younger daughter named Cara. When Cara was three-years-old her older brothers started singing "Cara has a brain, Cara has a brain..." hoping that she would take offence. She came running to me crying,
"Mommy, tell them I don't have a brain!"

Aid for the Ailing King  Roger Kays, La Habra, CA
I was helping out in a Sunday school class for 5-6 year-olds. The discussion was about King David and how he was such a great man of God. The teacher pointed out that, though David was a great hero of the faith and a "man after God's own heart," he fell several times. One petite, little girl raised her hand and asked, "When King David fell did his mommy give him Flintstones band-aids?"

Shower Scare  Katie Kamps, Appleton, WI
It was my first time showering in the downstairs bathroom at our new house. I was about nine years old. I decided to use the soap and shampoo that was already there. While I was shampooing my hair, I began to read the back of the bottle. I screamed for my parents. My dad came rushing in and asked what was wrong. I told him that I accidentally got my hair wet. He then asked me why that was a problem. I told him that the bottle said that it was "for dry hair only."

Practice Makes Perfect  JoAnn Hammer, Whittier, CA
I was on my way to Kmart one day with my three kids, ages four, three and one, in the backseat. It was a particularly windy day, and we could hear the wind howl as we felt the car shake along the Eastbound I-10 towards Palm Springs, California. Just as I was about to find the next exit to turn around and go back home, Jax, my three-year-old, cried out, "Mommy, I'm scared! Let's go back home!" My four-year-old, Jhen, took her little sister's hand and comforted her: "Jax, don't be scared, that's just the wind. God is teaching the angels to whistle, and wind happens when they're practicing. They're just not very good at it yet."

A Sighting?  Christine Sonnenberg, Blue Springs, MO

One Sunday we decided this would be the day we would try our four-year-old daughter in the "big church" (instead of her usual Sunday school where she would learn about Jesus, play and share colorful story books with her friends). In the past, she had been restless and fidgety. This morning she was oddly quiet. She seemed to be intrigued with the priest as he gave his homily and her large eyes watched his every move. Just before mass ended, she tugged at my blouse. She had the most perplexed expression that it took me back a bit. I said, "What is it, honey?" She pointed to the priest, then looked at me and asked, "Is that God up there?"

Dog Years  Mrs Meriwether, Clarksville, TN

"My dog had puppies, would you like one?" a little girl asked me as I was leaving church one Sunday. I replied, "Honey, my husband told me that when our old dog dies, we aren't getting another one." She said, "Then I guess you'd better get one before he dies."

Ding-a-Ling Bonnie, Nova Scotia, Canada

I work for a cell phone company. A lady called up to say her phone was not working and she couldn't make any calls. I said OK, I will check a few things and then we will do some troubleshooting. The account looked fine, so I asked her if she had her phone there. She said Yes. I said, first we need to verify the SIM number - so I needed her to press #, *, menu, then 'right arrow.' She said, well if I do that while I'm talking to you, will I lose you. I said ma'am, what phone are you talking to me on? She said, the one I'm calling you about. I said, ma'am, if you called me, your phone must be working. She said, oh yeah, you're right. I guess its fixed now.

Three Generations of Faith  Shanah Miner, Readsboro, VT

Picture three generations of women, my mother, myself and my three-year-old daughter, in the ladies room at the mall - each in separate stalls.  We are talking about God and how He is with us all the time. As my mother explains that God loves us and he is with us always, my daughter suddenly gets very quiet. Finally she says, "Nana... is God in the bathroom RIGHT NOW?"

Remote with a Capital "R"  Joyce, Crawfordville, FL

When my daughter Jennifer was three, I told her to go turn the TV off in the bedroom. Jen just said "No mommy." I told her, "Jen, go turn the TV off, you don't have to be scared, Jesus will go with you." Jen replied, "Momma, if Jesus is going, let him turn the TV off."

O2 Invasion  Roger,  La Habra, CA

Before I had children I thought I had heard all the variations of sibling challenges. You know..."Dad, he's looking at me! or "He's touching me!" And even after my two boys, ages 9 and 5 at the time, came up with "Daaaad! He's looking out my window!" I thought I'd heard it all. But, I was driving to the store one day with the two of them cinched in seat belts on opposite ends of the back seat with the No Man's Land of the empty center seat. It was suspiciously quiet for a while, when suddenly I sensed a rapid movement in the back seat. In the rear view mirror I spied my older boys' head moving across No Man's Land towards his brother's side, followed by very rapid, deep and loud breathing. Within milliseconds my youngest alerts me to his older brother's felony trespass with, 'Daaaad! He's breathing all my air!" There are times raising kids when it's really essential that you bite your tongue so you don't laugh and encourage future disturbances. That was definitely one of them.

Food Wisdom  Dean, Mill Creek, WA

My five year old son has never met a person he didn't want to have a conversation with...which included the lady in the back row of the church who was nursing her infant. Out of earshot from me, he began asking her what she was doing. She politely told him, "I am feeding my baby. Did you know that mommies make milk for their baby's?" As if clued in to what she was talking about, he replied, "They make spaghetti, too."

Nobody Does It Better Shannon, Brockton, MA

My cousin and his father don’t communicate very well. One day he was in his truck listening to music when his father comes out to say hello. After a while of trying to talk to him, his father gives it one last try and asks what he was listening to. My cousin answers “Nobody.” His father finally gets angry, going on for a few minutes about how he’s “just trying to have a conversation” and “you don’t have to be a big wise guy” and so on.  After he finally stops ranting, my cousin looks over at him and says, “Hello?! That’s the name of the band, Dad, ‘Nobody.’”

Whose Line Is This, Anyway? Jon, Effingham, IL

The son of a family friend of ours started kindergarten this past fall. After the first day of school, the boy somehow managed to get on the wrong school bus. While such an occurrence might traumatize many of us, this child was completely unfazed. When the bus driver returned to the bus barn and discovered our friend's son still on the bus, he asked him, "How come you're still on the bus?" The child replied, completely calmly, "Because you never stopped at my house." Ask a stupid question....

Commandment Sarah, Keyport, NJ

My cousin, Propecia, had just learned about the Ten Commandments in Sunday School. While shopping with her friend, Kim, Propecia became concerned with how Kim talked back to her mother. For example, when Kim’s mother suggested she buy a particular shirt, Kim said, "Don’t tell me what to do!" Shocked by this behavior, Propecia scolded Kim, applying her Sunday School lesson, "Thou shalt not commit ADULTery!"

   (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Manic Mechanics (True Story and a Must Read!) Ron, Lancaster, OH

As a business man I was on the road many weekends during the summer months. My youngest son Ryan was never very mechanically minded… great athlete… but totally disconnected from how anything mechanical worked.

I’m in Tennessee, and my wife called to tell me about the Ryan’s first outing with his buds at a shopping mall.

We bought him a little compact pickup truck… figured he could only kill one other kid at a time with just two seats in his first vehicle.

Turns out… he locked the keys in the truck at the local mall. When he and his buddy came out and discovered the problem… he tried to call mom… but she was busy helping at the high school (it was prom night) and didn’t answer her phone.

As they stood there discussing the next step… another equally mechanically challenged friend spots them… cruises over and says, “Hey I got one of those pry bar tools that you take the lug nuts off with… maybe you can pop the door open!”

Somehow…this sounded reasonable to Ryan. So he takes his turn trying to pop the door open by going 360 degrees around the door-opening prying back the sheet metal like an old tuna can.

When that failed to open the door the others tried their hand at it. They later confessed they did discuss the considerable damage and agreed that it could be “pushed back… and rubbed out… NO PROBLEM!” However the door was still locked and the keys dangled teasingly from the steering column.

Scratching their heads… a fourth school chum showed up and weighed in with, “Hey, over there lays a cement block… why don’t you just bust out the window?”

Stooge number four’s solution seemed reasonable to the entire group and so Ryan grabbed the cement block.  But as he is about to pop the window… his jury of peers suggest that he back up so he won’t get hit by flying glass. So Ryan backed up about ten feet… hurls the cement block toward the passenger door glass… and misses… hitting the front fender… caving it in.

The panel of engineering experts appraise the damage and one of them offers to take over for Ryan.  "I can hit that window" he declares.

He backed up twenty feet and got a run for it. Bearing down on the helpless GMC he trips with about five feet to go and drives the block into the side of the bed behind the cab. By this time the vehicle looks like it was sideswiped by a Semi!

Ryan... near panic seeing the demolished side of his truck… picks up the block and at point-blank range hurls the block through the side glass… shattering the glass into the interior. However, in his excitement he threw it so hard that it careened off the seat (tearing the upholstery) and bounced into the steering column busting the column wide open and smashing the keys beyond use.

As the flat bed truck delivered the lil' truck to the body shop, his mother and I helped him understand the mechanics of working for our family business the entire summer to pay for the damage.

Sister Pearl Belts Them Out Submitted by:  Karen Vertrees, Cunningham, TN

When I was about 8 years old living in Birmingham, Alabama, at First

Church of the Nazarene, we would have a Homecoming every year and in the

afternoon there would be special singing. I remember one year Sister

Pearl (Dad Speer's sister) was singing. I was on the front row watching

and listening when all of a sudden Sister Pearl opened her mouth real

wide to sing a note and her teeth fell out. She just reached down and

picked them up, put them back in her mouth and just went on singing like

nothing had ever happened.

One for Mr. Science  Submitted by:  Nana, Sumiton, AL

My three-year-old grandson wants to know what kind of batteries are in the

lightening bugs.

Instructions  Submitted by:  Mark Wilson, Murfreesboro, TN

My wife was in her hospital room the morning after her hysterectomy when the physician came in with instructions for the near future.  I was standing there, pad in hand, all ears, when he said "...and no relations for six weeks." Unconsciously I blurted out, "Oh no honey, your mother is supposed to be here tomorrow!"  My wife and the doctor took one startled look at me, and then burst out laughing.

Not Rated  Submitted by:  Debbie Morton, Bucyrus, OH

I think our 11-year-old son Jacob is striving to be the next Jeff Allen. About one week into 5th grade, the teacher informed the kids about a homework assignment on the board. It read "Pg. 13 in Math." Jacob raised his hand and the teacher called on him. He said, "I can't do the homework assignment, Teacher." After asking why not, Jacob replied, "My parents won't allow PG13 in our house." Only Jacob would think of that! It was his ADHD coming out. The teacher later told us the whole class was rolling on the floor.

Voice of the Dog  Submitted by:  Bobby Morrison, Maryville, MO

Between having kids and a large dog lot adjoining our new home, there was just no avoiding getting a dog.   So, I purchased a lovely Samoyed, which is a sled dog that is very family-oriented. Keeping a family dog in a lot away from the family annoyed the dog, who, in turn, annoyed me by barking at anything and everything at night. One night I’d had enough and went to our deck to try to quiet the dog. He dog ignored me. I spoke, he barked. I spoke louder, he barked more excitedly. But I noticed he was acting as if I was not there and focusing his attention toward his door. I was furious by this time, it being 2:00 a.m., and I marched to the lot to hush this dog. He continued to bark as I approached and as I flung his lot door open to really make my point, the object of his attention made its presence known. A very large, scared and particularly ugly possum was wedged into the corner of his door opening. I bravely shooed the animal into the woods and made my way back to bed. I then made the mistake of telling my wife the whole story. A couple of nights later my dog started barking again and I yelled through our open window, "What is wrong with you, what are you barking at now?" My lovely wife, lying next to me said from under the covers in her best doggy voice, "I'm barking at a possum."

Misdirected Compliance  Submitted by:  Gene, Salem, OR

One of our neighbor's sons is three years old and loves to ride his bike in our cul-de-sac. One day his dad called to him to come in for dinner and to bring in his bike. Later, his dad was walking in front of our house, half laughing and half shaking his head in disbelief. When I asked what was going on, he said, "I told Harrison to get his bike and come into the house for dinner.  So he rode his brother's bike up the street, left it there, and rode his own bike home."

When my nephew, Matt, was four years old, it seems he was having a bit of a problem in Sunday School.  One of his little friends, Megan, must have had a crush on him or something because one day he came to his dad after Sunday School and said, "Dad, Megan's always kissing me in Sunday School." His dad, trying to have a little fun with him said, "So, do you kiss her back?" Whereupon Matt responds, "No, I kiss her right on the lips!" (My nephew ain't no dummy!)

During our drive home from church we usually ask our kids what their lesson was about in their class. Once, when our son was three years old, he said they learned that Jesus went around doing good. I thought, "OK, I guess that's appropriate for his age", and didn't give it much more thought. The next Sunday, when we asked the same question, our son answered with a sigh, "Oh, we learned that Jesus went around doing good... again."

I'm now a pastor's wife and mother of three. But when I was growing up I heard some pretty disparaging comments from my perfectionist parents... especially my Dad, who--from the moment I turned twelve--began repeating, "You know what they say the best way is to deal with teenagers, don't ya? When they turn 13, you stick 'em in a barrel and feed 'em through the knothole; when they turn 16, you plug the knothole!" Ha! Ha! Ha!  But I'm not bitter or anything... :)

My wife asked me to replace an electrical outlet in the utility room over a weekend.  I tried this with a two-year-old underfoot.  I got the materials and started the job.  I took the old fixture down, and began putting the new fixture together.  As I was screwing in the wires: red to red, black to black, I noticed my garage door going up and down. So I took the wires off, and again the garage door went up and down.  I thought, now what have I done?  There must be a short somewhere.  So I checked the breaker box, but nothing unusual there.  I began again, putting the red wire with red, and black with black, and the garage door again began to go up and down.  I began to get really frustrated.  I put the fixture down, and went into the front room to check on my two-year-old.  There he was, pressing the button on the garage door remote I had unwittingly left in the living room.  I laughed so hard, I actually fell on the floor.  Meanwhile, my son keeps playing with the remote, with the door going up and down, and me rolling on the floor laughing.  I finally took it from him, explained what it was, and, of course, gave him something else to play with.

One Sunday afternoon my sister-in-law invited my daughter and I over for a cookout.  We had Sloppy Joes to eat and Jell-O for desert. My nephew, who was seven years old at the time, began eating his Jell-O with his fingers.  His mother asked him to get something to eat it with so he wouldn't get it on his fingers.  He returned to the table with a plastic sandwich bag on his hand.

I was in the basement, building a laundry room for my wife.  My son Brendan comes down to see what Dad is doing.  He is four years old and loves to imitate Dad.  He picks up the hammer and starts to help.  I noticed right away that his idea of help might not be the best for the laundry room.  I quickly took away the hammer and gave him an imaginary hammer.  He is very happy and starts going around the basement shouting, “hammer, hammer, hammer” and making the appropriate hammering motions.

I go back to work feeling pleased that I narrowly escape a disaster.  I was taken by complete surprise when I heard a fight going on around the corner.  I head over and saw my seven-year-old daughter, Heather, holding my son’s imaginary hammer and my son screaming, “She took my hammer!”  I was totally shocked about the power of sibling rivalry.  Being the dad, I had to straighten out this situation before I was in trouble from my wife.  I told Heather to return the hammer and don’t take his toys.

Of course any parent knows that the immediate response from my daughter was crying that it is not fair and I don’t love her.  I looked at her and replied, “You should’ve come to me first, because I have your brand new imaginary hammer right here.”  They both started going around the basement shouting, “Hammer, hammer, hammer.”  I absolutely love being a dad.

I'm not the most patient driver, but have always been very careful about what I say (or do) in front of the kids.  One day I was waiting for traffic to move when out of the back seat my three-year old shouts, "Oh come on lady, move it!"  See, they are listening!